Getting ready to leave

I woke up this morning in a bit of a panic, my mind racing with thoughts like: Oh my gosh today is my last full day in Costa Rica!!  But, what about my packing, what if I don’t finish?  Wait, I don’t want to say goodbye to people, I’m not ready yet! I can’t wait to see my family!  I can totally wait to have three flights in a row tomorrow.  Please God let all my traveling go smoothly!  When is breakfast? OH MY GOODNESS IT’S MY SECOND TO LAST BREAKFAST HERE! OH NO! What if I can’t pack everything in time, what if I’ve been too much of a procrastinator and I’m not going to be able to pack everything up?! What if when I get back to St. Louis no one knows me anymore?  What if no one understands me and I feel like an outsider at “home”?  What if…

Of course, some of these thoughts are the product of having just woken up and not giving myself time to think clearly.  For example, the packing thing.  I certainly have not been procrastinating on that—I packed up all my clothes (except 6 outfits) last week.  I’ve donated clothes and items, really the only thing to do is put it all in a suitcase.  If it takes longer than an hour to finish packing I’d be incredibly shocked—plus, everything goes back with me it’s not like coming here where I had to pick and choose what to bring and what to leave; this time I just pack up everything I see that’s mine (without argument with mom and/or sister of if it really IS mine).

There are also conflicted feelings about leaving here and going back to the States.  I don’t want to leave, but I want to go home.  I think it’s a little telling that I use “home” automatically to describe the place in the States where my family lives.   It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed my time here, or that I haven’t met people who make me feel at home, or anything along those line, it’s just that I’m still at a point in my life where my immediate family IS home.  It has been so incredibly hard living away from home for 8 months; I’m ready to go back.  But what am I coming back to, exactly?

Then there are the more serious “what ifs” I face about going back home.  It’s not fair to play into the thought that I have grown and changed so much and the people back home haven’t.  Everyone has grown and changed in the past 8 months, and that makes it tricky to navigate where I fit in again.  I’m a little worried that the rest of my family has been growing into St. Louis life so much that I’ll still feel like a foreigner when I get back.  I’m a little worried that I’ll be expected to “Catch up” right away to where everyone else is—kind of like when I first got to Costa Rica—and not be able to take my time and process things and “Catch up” at my own pace.  I’m a little worried I won’t fit in anymore.

A few months ago I read a blog post about what it’s like to live abroad.  The writer described it as a person starting in a country of circles.  Everyone is a circle and they all do circle-y things.  Then one circle travels to a country of squares, and everyone does square-y things.  At first this is really uncomfortable for the circle, but eventually the circle begins to adapt.  The circle now looks more like a triangle; it’s not a square, and will never be a square, but it’s no longer a circle either.  Then, when this newly made triangle goes back to the circle country, they realize they aren’t quite the same as they used to be, and that they’re a bit different than everyone else, and that can also be uncomfortable for everyone involved.  Hopefully, though, you can find other triangles, or other circles who can accept that you’re not the circle you left as.

I’m feeling pretty triangular right now, but I’m confident that my friends and family in St. Louis have been, are, and will be accommodating to this little triangle coming back into their lives!  It’s nice knowing I have a great support system wherever I go J

Peace and Blessings,

Kiki

About to Leave FAQ

1.       So how are you feeling??

a.       I think I answered that one above, but to sum it up: a lot of things.  Excitement for going home, sadness and loss for leaving, a little bit uncertain of how everything will look, and trusting God to make it all work out in the end!

2.       What’s next for you?

a.       Well, right after I get back it’s Wedding-Mode for me (seeing as how my sister’s wedding will be 31 days away at that point!), then in July I’ll start looking for a job, and like, a real job this time, not a summer job because I plan on staying for more than just a few months.  Which brings us to longer term; I plan on staying in St. Louis for at least two years or so, and seeing where God takes me from there.  I’m not sure what any pursuits for higher education will look like, but perhaps some non-degree-seeking classes to help me determine if I want to get a Masters in, say, Psychology of some sort.  Really not sure beyond that, but those are my plans for right now.

3.       What was the best part about Costa Rica for you?

a.       Meeting people from LAM and then UWM, having Cecilia and Herbert for host parents, having roommates, and most of all getting to work with Suzanne and Edwin for several months.  The people you are with can make or break an experience, and I’m glad to go out on a note where I am with people who definitely made mine.

4.       What was the worst part?

a.       It was incredibly hard in so many ways: being away from home, speaking Spanish all the time, living on my own, figuring out the buses, being lonely.  But the thing about the “worst parts” is that it’s during those times my strength fails and I have to lean on God.  I have had so many opportunities to see God’s faithfulness and extreme love for me that I wouldn’t trade my “worsts” for anything.

5.       What kind of job are you looking for?

a.       Not really sure.  I know less what I want to do now than I did before I came!  I don’t think “working with kids” was ever explicitly on the list of things I wanted to do, but I have found here, that I like working with kids—and that I’m good at it!  While I was enjoying dinner with my friend Carrie, she brought up the possibility of teaching kids art.  That sounds like so much fun!  I’m not sure that’s the path I’ll go down, but it’s something to keep in mind.  I’m kind of letting God take the reins on what job is next for me.

6.       Will you go back to Costa Rica as a missionary again?

a.       Maybe.  As far as missions go, I definitely want to do this again, maybe not Costa Rica, and maybe not by myself again.  Ok, maybe not Costa Rica and definitely not by myself again.  Another thing I learned here is the absolute importance of community not just for humans, but for Christians as well.  There is no way I’m living abroad without some sort of team with me (organization, family, friends, etc.).  I DO know that I want to see my UWM family again sometime, and so I’ll have to find a way to make that work!

If you have any questions I DIDN’T answer, shoot me a message, leave a comment, write an email, and I’ll get back to you on it!