Day 23: Wait, this isn't going to be easy??

I've been here just over three weeks (23 days, to be exact) and if there's one thing I've learned while being here is that this is hard.  It's hard being in a different culture, it's hard not knowing people, it's hard coming into people's already established lives as a newbie.  I wrote an email to one of my friends the other day, and I think it came out pretty well, so I'll write it here for you:

So, one of the things I'm learning is that being away for a year is HARD.  But it's a different kind of hard than studying abroad was.  It's hard because I'm not here with anyone else who is going through the same thing, at least while studying abroad we were all more or less in the same boat.  But here, I'm coming into people's already established lives, and I'm the only odd one out, and that's really difficult.  Now, I will say that there ARE a couple other Americans working at Rahab too, but three out of four of them are working in another department and I never see them.  But I did talk with the three of them once, and it was crazy to see the different mentalities we had about our time at Rahab.  For them, it was a semester off to party in another country, oh yeah, and go to this one place for 2-3 hours a day 3-4 days a week so that I can get some credit.  For me, I'm there because this is my job, and I actually want to make a difference in the lives of the people I encounter on a daily basis.  It was amazing to me how much five months can make a difference in your perspective on things (that's how long ago I graduated)

...

It's also different knowing that I'll be here for more than just 4 months.  I'm also thinking that I could potentially live here long term (although I haven't gotten anything from God about that, but living abroad in general is something I plan on doing long term).  That makes you see everything through a whole new light.  It's kind of like doing a college visit, but on a grander scale.  Visiting colleges you stay a night (potentially two) to get a feel for the place and to see if you like it or not; you visit a class, you get a tour, and all the while you're thinking "is this a good fit for me?" "can I see myself going here?" "is this where I want to spend the next for years of my life?".  I feel like that's how this year is, I can spend a year (or two) "visiting" a country and the whole time I'm thinking "is this a good fit for me?" "can I see myself living here?" "is this where I want to spend the next few years of my life?".  Of course, there are also more variables like living arrangements, work, etc., but those are still kind of present in the college search (but arguable way less important when picking a college).

I feel like that sums up pretty well how I'm feeling about being here.  That also is different; I've never been in a situation like this before, and I have to process information differently.  This makes me a whole different kind of exhausted; not only am I processing things on a present-tense level (how does this help me right now?), but also in a near-future level (how can I apply what I'm learning to when I have to do it next time?), but also on a distant-future level--all that processing on top of trying to make friends and communicate well and see the country (or even my block, for that matter) and get around alone, and everything else I have to do in a day.  It's a lot of work, and it's draining work, and that's part of what makes it hard.

A couple days ago (working in the daycare) I was thinking about what kind of stress babies go through, if any at all.  What I came up with is that I actually have more in common with a baby right now than I originally thought.  Here's what I wrote:

As surprising as it sounds, it is true that every single one of us has experienced culture shock in a very real way--even those of us who have never traveled. What I'm talking about is the culture shock that comes from being born (bear with me).

The very first thing we know is warmth. Then eventually muffled sound, and darkness-- we can't describe what we're feeling or hearing because that's just the way it is, that's the way it's always been, plus there is no need to describe what's happening because no one is asking us to, and yet we still know it's all good and we are safe. We often hear the same voice throughout our sleep and hearing it brings us some level of comfort. We are happy.

Soon, though, changes start happening, there's not as much room as there once was; before we know it, we are forced out of the world and existence we have known all our lives, into a cold, brightly lit, loud place. This is when the culture shock starts. Suddenly everything changes, no longer are we fed automatically, no longer is waste excreted painlessly, no longer are we safe in the comfort of our warm mothers; we have left Eden and entered the world. We don't know how to communicate with others, we don't know how to meet our own needs and we're not really sure what our needs actually are. Suddenly we have to learn more about ourselves in order to understand the world. We have to learn to recognize what hunger feels like, and how do you fix that? We have to learn what going to the bathroom feels like, and how do we do that? We have to learn what tiredness feels like, and how do we deal with that? We have to learn all these things, while not knowing what they are, and not having the capacity to ask or understand what is happening. It's a stressful time.Not only is it a stressful time, but learning how to answer these questions is also a process that takes time, years even. It takes a long time to learn what your body is telling you and to learn what to do about it; it takes a LONG time to be able to learn the words you need to express yourself accurately; it takes time to learn a culture and way of life.We have some comforts, though. When we enter this cold, bright, loud world, part of the noise is that voice! That voice we've heard all our lives, that voice that gives us comfort. We learn that that voice is the voice we can go to when something is wrong, because we know that voice is warmth, and love, and safety.  That voice is the familiar among the unknown. Living in a new country as an adult is kind of like that. Sure there are some things that are different, but I've experienced a lot of these things.
1. Not being able to express myself fully
2. Being completely dependent on others for meeting my basic needs
3. Being surrounded by unfamiliar things and people
4. Not really understanding what all my needs or wants are, making it really difficult to help others understand
5. Feeling like everything I knew before coming here was a lot easier and definitely more comfortable.

6. I still hear God’s voice, and I know that He is always with me to comfort, guide, encourage, teach, lead, and love me

That being said, I think culture shock is a good thing, a hard thing definitely, but also definitely a good thing. It pushes us and pulls us to be more than we thought we could be, to understand more of the world and more of ourselves. Changing cultures changes us, and I believe that's usually for the better. 

Lots of reflecting going on this past week!  But I wanted to share with you that this has been hard, and I hope I helped explain how it was hard, and didn't just leave it as ambiguous difficulties.  And even though it's been difficult, it has been the best kind of difficult: God-led.  I know for an absolute fact that God has been with me and has been a part of every single second that has passed in these past 23 days.  I know that I am here for Him and that He is going to use me to do great things.  I know that He will never leave me and that in Him my hope is found.  No, it hasn't been easy these past three weeks, but all the better time to rely on God.  I am thankful for the opportunity to be pushed out of my comfort zone (not that I've liked it 100%, but I'm still grateful for it) because as someone said (the internet tells me it was Robert Allen), "everything you've ever wanted is just outside your comfort zone".  I hope that I find things I never knew I wanted, and that I will continue to find joy and wonder in all the things I am seeing here.

Prayer Requests

• For continued growth in my relationship with Laura; every day is a little better, and I want that to keep happening

• For continued growth in my Spanish skills (on Friday one of the women I work with told me she could already hear an improvement, which was totally awesome to hear that from someone else (because I had that same thought), so yay for that already!)

• This week Gabi and I are going to try and implement a more planned out schedule for the kids with Bible related activities and everything; please pray that we can quickly find a system that works--there's tons of possibilities out there and we need to sort through everything to find something that works

• Laura is going out of town from Wednesday morning to Sunday evening this week; please pray for my time going to and from work those days, as well as for the courage and confidence to venture outside the house and start learning my way around the neighborhood

• For more friendships and relationships to start forming

• For me to remember my strength comes from the Lord

I think that's about it for now.  sorry for the lack of pictures; this post didn't seem appropriate for random photos, so you can expect a double portion next week :)
As always, thank you so much for reading and thank you for your continued prayer support--I really couldn't be where I am without you.
Peace and Blessings,

Kiki