Day 30: The one month mark

I seriously can't believe that it has been one month already; the time has flown by SO QUICKLY and yet I am definitely a different person now than I was 30 days ago.  It's been an up-and-down ride--every single day I can go through a range of emotions from extremely high to extremely low, and everything in between.  Also, I truly believe that words cannot accurately capture how I'm feeling.  Because of that, I want to share some of my own artwork with you; I am a visual person and a creative person, that combination (to me) means that I can process my thoughts and feelings through art in a way that words just don't capture accurately.  Hopefully these pictures will help explain what this past month (and the time leading up to this month) has been like for me.

My whole journey towards becoming a missionary started years ago.  I was at a Vineyard church camp called Engram (now Common Ground); the camp lasts five days and it's full of middle and high school students learning to hear God's voice and practicing listening and obeying God's commands.  We do various outreaches during the week (giving away free water, and it's free just like God's love--no strings attached; doing a $1 car wash--when people pull in, they get a dollar and can help themselves to free hot dogs and popcorn; going into the streets of Chicago to pray for people we feel God puts on our hearts) as well as have devotionals in the morning, a sermon in the evenings, followed by worship and prayer time.  It was during one of these worship times that I got an image from God.  In this image, I saw myself, surrounded by children reaching towards me, and I could tell that I was in a third-world country.  After seeing the image, I heard God say "This image shows the life of a missionary.  This is your mission, should you choose to accept it." My answer was a resounding, "Yes!"  That happened maybe when I was about to be a sophomore in high school.  Here I am, so many years later, starting to live that promise out.  How cool is that?

Since being here, my life has been a whirlwind.  So much has happened, so much has not happened; expectations were either not met, met, or exceeded; there have been really, REALLY good days and there have been really, REALLY bad days; things have gone my way and things have, well, not.  Yet through it all, through the ups and downs, the ins and outs, the certainties and doubts, God has been here.  He has been here with me through everything--my one constant amidst the chaos.  I know that as long as I cling to the cross during the turbulence, when the winds finally subside I will be ok.

One thing this picture doesn't capture is that although it can be chaotic and take all my strength to hold onto Jesus, during this time I have been able to rest peacefully in God's presence.  I know I can turn to him for a refuge and he will shelter me from the storm.  So although this painting shows how I'm feeling, I want to note that I'm not clinging to the cross as a crazy-lady, but a confident-lady.  I know that God is with me and guiding me every single step of the way.  Which actually brings be to my next painting.

God tells me this every single day.  Every day when I wake up, every day on my way to work, every day at work, every day coming home from work, every day at home.  God tells me this all the time, every day.  He also tells me how pleased he is with me.  That is truly an incredible feeling. This is one of the reasons I know that I can rest peacefully in God--because he tells me every day multiple times a day that he loves me, and cares for me,and is pleased with me.  Seriously, one of the most fulfilling things about being here: knowing that this is EXACTLY where God wants me right now.

This next image is what I drew today to try and capture what it feels like being here in Costa Rica, a new country, a new language, with new people, etc.  I guess it could be titled "Culture Shock".

Everything in this picture is sort of right, but sort of wrong.  The grass is green, but it looks like waves; the water is blue, but it looks like grass.  The tree's colors are right, but it's made up of tiny clouds, the sky is mostly right, but it's bark and leaves instead of sky and clouds.  All the images are familiar, but different in some way.  They're at once familiar and unfamiliar.  It's almost comforting, but also kind of disconcerting.  You almost recognize and can identify the images, but there's still something different and foreign about them.  It's not to different that you can't follow along, but it's still different, and different enough that you can notice.  You can see similarities between this image and one where everything is "right", but you can't ignore the differences--and if you try you'll miss the beauty and uniqueness of this individual image.  And you also can't either mentally or physically "fix" it.  It is how it is, and that's ok.  Hopefully you can see the connection between how I'm describing this picture and how I'm feeling being here.  It's not that anything here is bad, it's just all different...but also similar.  I'm still trying to adjust to seeing the world like this instead of how I'm used to; it's a process.  It's also hard to find where you fit into a situation like this, but I'm learning.

I hope this update helped you understand where I'm at, what I'm learning, and how I'm feeling.  It's been a crazy month, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.  I've come a long way, but there's so much farther to go, and with God by my side, I'm so ready for this journey.  I really am so excited to see what else God does this year; I know it's just getting started, but I can already feel a growing excitement in me about the future. This is a good place to be in right now.

As always, thanks for reading, and please send me some feedback on what you thought of this post.  Anything you want me to include in my next one?

Peace and Blessings,

Kiki