Reflections and Realizations (and a Picnic)

This week…goodness, I don’t even know where to begin.  This week has held the worst day of my time here, but also some of the best days of my time here.  And I don’t want to go into tons of detail because I don’t want this post to be a million pages long (and I’m pretty sure you don’t want that either).  So what I’m going to try and do is summarize what Wednesday taught me (and it was A LOT) and maybe throw in a few stories here and there to emphasize my points (I say “maybe” as if it was a possibility I wouldn’t, lol; don’t worry, there will be stories).

I suppose to start off I should share a little about why Wednesday was the worst day here so far.  Wednesday was when all the loneliness and isolation that I’ve been feeling little by little finally came to a head.  Feeling a little every day—and then repressing that—lead to me exploding with almost-7 weeks’ worth of sadness on Wednesday.  I left work early (like, an hour after being there) but before I left two of my co-workers prayed with me, and that was totally awesome.

When I got home, I was able to release the flood of tears I’d been trying to hold back all day.  Then, through conversations, personal reflections, and prayer these are the things I learned on Wednesday:

• God is good and has placed me in a position where I am surrounded by people that love, care for, and support me  (let the record show, I already knew this, but I have a good example and wanted to share). (Anecdote time)

While I was at home and Skyping with Shellie (LAM member care personnel), Laura came home and, remembering my love for chocolate, came in with a plate of goodies which included two candy bars, some Hershey kisses, and a chocolate covered doughnut (filled with caramel!!).  She didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but she knew something was up and left work for a bit to try and make me feel better.  I must say, it definitely helped ;) 

Laura's Snack-pack she gave me

•  I need to take time for myself, to rest and relax; I need a Sabbath again.  And thanks to a quick conversation with my supervisors, I now have Fridays off.  I plan on using that time to paint or draw, to explore my neighborhood, and to explore the city—perhaps learn a little more about the bus routes though a little trial and error.  I am very much looking forward to returning to the practice of having a Sabbath.
• I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I am easily my biggest critic and I can tend to expect myself to transition through huge phases of my life seamlessly.  I cannot, so I should not expect myself to.  I need to remember that feeling what I’m feeling is normal, and that a huge transition like this is going to take some time getting used to.  Some LAMers have been here 35+ years and so it makes sense they are well-adjusted.  I have been here 7 weeks, so it makes sense I am not.  It’s ok.

Ok, anecdote time before the next points because this experience helped me realize the most important things I learned on Wednesday. 

Before I left on Wednesday, Wendy, the psychologist who is basically my new supervisor, was nowhere to be found and I was feeling frustrated that she was just gone and I was left not knowing what to do.  I saw two other co-workers bringing in chairs from the balcony outside to the room inside because they kept getting wet from the rain and needed to be moved.  Not knowing what else to do I asked if they needed help, which they readily accepted.  As I was moving (heavy) chairs I was internally grumbling about the work.  The chairs were heavy, the day was hot, where was Wendy?, why did I offer to move these chairs, it’s so much work!  And then a little bible verse popped into my head. “Do everything without grumbling or complaining” Philippians 2:14.  I had to stop for a moment and dwell on that.  That experience led to the following realizations:

• It is not enough to just physically “follow the call”; it is an insufficient offering to God to just go somewhere if your heart and mind are going to be stony towards his work and to where he is leading you. 
• I had been resisting accepting the change that was surrounding me; I was fighting so hard to try and create the experience I was looking for instead of embracing the one I was in—and I was exhausted.  It was such a relief to stop fighting, and start accepting.
• I have more control over how I respond to a situation than I originally thought.  If I have a better mentality in general, I will respond to things in a more positive way.
• Every day will not just be a good day.  I have to make a conscious effort to focus on positive things, as well as the desire to control the outcome of my days to fulfill my own expectations. 

My days here had been up and down, up and down, up and down.  I’d have a really good day followed by a really bad day.  What I have come to realize is that I was experiencing a really good day, and then expecting that to mean that all the difficulties were over and I could now finally start to enjoy my time here every day.  But then, I would have a not-so-great day, and that would make me want to make it better, and the cycle continued and continued; putting it this way it seems ridiculous that it took me so long to realize what was going on, but you know what they say about hindsight. 

One of the first things I did Thursday and Friday morning was to surrender to God my emotions, my attitudes, and my thoughts; I truly believe that is part (a huge part) of what made those days so great.  I was able to enjoy the work I was doing (even if it was “just” alphabetizing files that needed to be alphabetized, or running up and down the stairs to bring everything we needed from the office on the third floor to the room on the second floor we were meeting in—I was legitimately joyful doing that work!).  I also decided to sit in a more “common area” while waiting for Wendy to finish lunch instead of sitting alone in her office; this led to a conversation with one of my co-workers I didn’t think liked me very much, and now (at her suggestion) “we should hang out some time”.  It amazed me how much positive difference there was between the beginning of the week and the end of it—all from surrendering more to God. Who knew? I think this is definitely the start of a new morning tradition.

So there it is, and it’s not a million pages long! I count this as a HUGE success.  Of course, I’m not totally done yet, there was still today!  Today was the LAM (Latin America Mission) and UWM (United World Mission) picnic for all the members that could make it.  For those of you that don’t know, LAM and UWM are merging to become a better missions organization than either could be on its own.  It really is exciting, and after meeting some UWMers for the first time, I know it’s going to be awesome (because they are awesome).  So starting January 1^st LAM will officially be: LAM, a ministry of UWM.  I could get into the details of what we’re keeping (the LAM name, for instance) and what is changing (the fact we will be united with UWM, to start) but I don’t think you really want to hear about it—if you do email me and I’d be more than happy to talk with you about it: kikinoa@sbcglobal.net)

So anyways, today I got to meet LAM people and UWM people, and that was so awesome.  I got to talk with them and get to know them (and now I have more Facebook friends, yaaay!) and it really was such a great time (and here are some pictures to prove it!)

And ice breaker game to start us off

Followed by a mummy-making game

With teams of 7 (a total of 14 feet) you had to make it
to the other side using only 4 feet and you all
had to be touching at the same time. So we're trying to
hop our way to victory...but didn't make it much farther
than what this picture shows...

Another valiant effort

They eventually won by crawling across (our idea!)

And what's a UWM/LAM picnic
without a little food and fellowship?

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed reading through some of what God is teaching me while I'm here (and I hope you could smile at the fun times we all had today).  Let me know what you thought about this post--I love hearing feedback!  I also just want to give a little shout-out to everyone who has been praying for me: thank you so much, your prayers mean everything to me, and I hope you can see the fruits of your prayers through my posts.  I love you all!
Peace and Blessings,
Kiki


P.S. I can't let this one slip by, I just HAVE to give a shout out to my mom because today is her birthday.  She's awesome and I love her a lot!

P.P.S. I really hate trying to make pictures work. I hope you appreciate them and can forgive the annoying spaces in between...