The homesickness is kicking in

Note: This started as a journal entry, but as I kept writing I realized I should probably share this and so I start addressing you all more.  Just keep that in mind as you realize the organization might be a little...lacking.

I’m starting to feel really homesick.  I see all these posts on Facebook about everyone’s lives, and I can’t help but think, “Why am I not there? Why did I choose to leave everything I love to come here?”  Of course I know what the answer is, I know that the one thing I love that I did not leave is God, and I know that I’m not there because I chose being faithful to God over being comfortable and safe.  But that doesn’t actually make me feel better.  It doesn’t make me miss my dad’s Saturday morning breakfasts any less; it doesn’t make me miss seeing my family every day any less; it doesn’t make me miss coming home to a dog who’s always happy to see me any less; it doesn’t make me miss my friends or being at Hope any less; it answers my question, but it doesn’t make me feel better.

It’s days like these that make me wonder if I bit off more than I can chew.  I’m fresh out of college (a little too fresh, it seems) and instead of taking some time to get used to being out of school and get used to being independent, and THEN picking up and moving, I jumped right in; I flew away from home, and decided to do ALL of it at once.  It’s sad and lonely and overwhelming, yet it’s what I chose to do.  And that’s not to say it’s all bad…but it is a bigger challenge than I prepared for, and I’m really feeling that.

On December 17^th, I fly back to the States so I can spend Christmas (and New Year’s) with my family.  I am so, so, SO, looking forward to that.  There’s definitely a part of me that thinks that maybe once I’m there I won’t want to come back, that maybe I shouldn’t go back home just then because the timing of it all will just make it even harder to come back to Costa Rica.  But then there’s a part of me that says seeing my family will be just what I need, and if I chose to stay in the States and not return I already know that I would be completely unsatisfied and restless until I came back.

I feel like my time here is flying by, but also dragging along.  I’m still struggling to find ways to feel at home here; it’s a lot harder than I would have thought.  There are really good days; days where Laura and I get along really well and have actual conversations (yeah, plural), but then there are days where I feel so isolated and set apart  from everything that I almost can’t stand it.  I’m so used to always having people who love me surrounding me.  At home, at school, at church, and to some extent at work (ok, people I get along with well at work).  I’ve never had to start all over from scratch in every one of these areas at the same time.  And not just starting from scratch, but starting from scratch alone.  When I first got to college, I had my roommate who was in the same boat as me, we were able to start making friends together—not to mention I already had a friend there (shout out to Annalise)!  At every job I’ve had I’ve either known people from school that work there, or had my sister working there with me (shout out to Ana), or someone else I knew well (shout out to Jarred).  And even when we moved to St. Louis and didn’t have any connections anywhere, we still had each other.  And granted, I wasn’t actually there to help with the moving, but the point is, whenever I was in town, home—my family—was always a safe haven, always a place I knew I would be supported and loved no matter what; it was a constant and a comfort in a time of transition and chaos.

And now here I am; with none of those things. Starting from scratch.

Alone.

Of course, I’m not actually alone; God is always with me, I get that, and there are other LAMers here too, and that’s awesome.  But it’s not the same.  God, although a great and amazing comfort and perfect person to run to, is as yet intangible.  And all the LAMers are at least a bus ride away…and I’m not even sure how to get to any of them.  Emails and Facebook are great, but they’re also intangible ways of connecting.  I just miss having solid, tangible, physical people who love me supporting me and just physically being there with me.  It’s really hard not having that.

And so I continue to wonder, what will Christmas time bring?  Will my desire for physical proximity to familiar people and things outweigh my spiritual desire to be in Costa Rica?  I’m not sure.  I can say with certainty that right now the plan is to finish out the year here in Costa Rica.  Unless something super major happens during Christmas-time that is a total game-changer I will be returning to continue to be used by God in whatever way he sees fit.  But right now, in this moment, I’m feeling so homesick that staying in the States actually seems like a potential outcome. (But seriously though, I can’t imagine not coming back, every time I think about it, I get a terrible pit in my stomach and (at the risk of sounding cheesy or weird) my soul hurts at knowing that would be so NOT God’s plan; I’m spending the whole year here).

So there it is.  That’s what I’m feeling.  It’s hard being here, there are days I want to go home and never return, but overall I want to be here, even if I also want to be home.  How about we all just pack up and move to Costa Rica? 

I don’t want to end on a sad note, but I also don’t want to invalidate everything I just said by making an overly happy comment.  I will say this, however: every single day I have been here I have felt from God that this is exactly where he wants me to be, at exactly this moment in my life.  I know that his timing is perfect and that his hand is on every single part of my time here.  It’s comforting to know that even though what I see is chaos and confusion, what he sees is his plan coming to fruition cleanly.  It is indescribably encouraging to know that God is still with me, will never leave me, and is pleased with where I am. And even though God is intangible, he is with me and I know that and can feel it.  And that’s pretty cool.

So I hope I didn’t throw you into a nervous frenzy about me (shout out to mom and dad), I just wanted to share what my journey has really been like.  I don’t want to give you rose-colored blog entries when I know you all care so much about me; it just doesn’t seem fair.

As always, thank you for reading and please leave a comment, email me, or facebook me. (PS my email is kikinoa@sbcglobal.net)

Peace and Blessings,

Kiki